Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Selamat datang umur 30, selamat jalan realiti

 Secara sahih dan siddiq, umur sudah melewati pangkal 3 yang manis. Terbit rasa sedih, hiba dan diselit rasa gembira - semua perasaan ini bergaul mesra sebati bersama. Terima kasih Ya Allah untuk diberikan kesempatan menikmati kurniaan hidup yang tidak boleh diganti beli

Walau bagaimana aku berusaha untuk meraikan umur manis ini dengan penuh syahdu, realiti seakan tidak mahu kedamaian. Kan ku bilang, jangan sesekali ubah rancangan hidup kita, sekarang lihat siapa yang terduduk, meminta dikembalikan rasa itu.

Manusia itu lemah dan senang dibolak-balikkan jiwanya. Sudah ku bilang jangan dikongsi rasa. Nah, buat kali kedua rasa itu dimatikan begitu sahaja. Salah diri sendiri kerana yakin susuk tubuh kali ini mungkin berbeza. Salah kamu kerana berfikir menggunakan jiwa, bukan kepala. 

Yang arif mengenai rasa, pasti tahu bagaimana perasaan bila kita percaya pada orang asing dan kemudiannya disisakan. Bagaimana rasanya disogokkan harapan yang kemudiannya menjadi sisa abu. Kamu yang beri aku kesempatan untuk memasang impian. Acap kali impian itu diceritakan pada sepasang mata yang naif ini. Dan setiap kali itu lah, jiwa itu dibeli dengan penuh yakin. 

Mengapa realiti seakan tidak mahu kedamaian?

Nampaknya, kehidupan kita tidak bermula pada umur 30. Sayang sekali, hidup kita tamat di sini. Teriak lah sekuat mana pun, kehidupan kita perlu diteruskan. Berjalan lah sejauh mana pun, kaki itu perlu pulang pada rumah kembali.

Ah, rumah..

Satu perkataan adjektif yang tidak membawa sebarang makna. Dimana rumah kita? Jika rumah tempat untuk bersandar, mengapa rumah ku runtuh? Jika rumah itu 4 dinding yang utuh untuk bersandar, dimana atapnya untuk bertedeuh dari badai hujan? Pulang, pulang kemana kita?

Tiada daya lagi untuk dibaiki rumah yang makin runtuh. Sekuat mana pun kita pertahankan tiang seri, kalau tidak mendapat sepakat bersama, pasti ranap juga. 

Perempuan, jangan sesekali kita merendahkan maruah diri kita. Jika tidak diperlukan lagi di sesuatu rumah, keluar lah dan carilah tempat berteduh yang lain. Tidak perlu merintih meminta nasib, perasaan tak akan boleh diubah. Berhenti lah berharap pada sesuatu yang tidak pasti.

Sudah dibilang, jangan menjadi hamba perasaan. Tapi kita perempuan secara harfiah dilahirkan penuh dengan rasa; kita adalah pendamai yang punya banyak perasaan untuk diberi. Tapi begini lah terjadi jika diberikan semuanya. Nah, jalan pulang pun sudah tidak diingat lagi. Apa yang tinggal pada jiwa mu?

Teriak lah sekuatnya, lepaskan segalanya, keringkan mata mentah mu yang senang diperdaya, hidup perlu diteruskan. Kita baru menginjak umur 30, sayang. Jalan hidup kita masih jauh, InsyaAllah. Ini bukan mimpi, ini realiti. Terima lah realiti ini dengan dada yang lapang. 

Jangan lagi kita kongsi rasa pada orang ya. Sudah-sudah lah sakiti jiwa sendiri. Jadi, kali ini berapa lama tempoh yang diambil untuk kembali damai? Kalau dahulu 5 tahun, kali ini mungkin untuk selamanya. Kehidupan ini tidak kejam, kamu yang kejam. Sudah diberitahu hidup kita begini begini, masih mahu dibiarkan diri hanyut pada arus yang berlawanan. 


Teriak lah semahu mu, tapi jangan lupa untuk kembali, ya.


Sunday, October 2, 2022

94 days

In less than 94 days genap lah usia dan tiada lagi pangkal nombor "2" di awalan umur. Bila tengok kalendar October, November, December... terasa jauh lagi. Tapi bila dihitung hari, yang tersisa hanya 94 hari - terasa singkat. Amat singkat.

Secara jujurnya i wasn't ready untuk menempuh usia baru. I tak ready secara fizikal dan mental untuk perkara-perkara yang mendatang. I tak tahu apa yang perlu dipersiapkan. 

It might sound funny tapi dulu i hidup berpaksikan "plan". I ikut timeline yg make sense - jalani titik masa yang i rasa i akan dan bakal lalu. Kalau dahulu, i letak titik tamat hidup sampai SPM. I tahu i akan lalui SPM dan habis di situ. Kemudian i sedar "oh hidup tak tamat di sini. I need to plan more." Hence, i rangka timeline untuk tamatkan belajar di universiti pula. Bila dah habis belajar, kehidupan masih berjalan dan ianya menjadi semakin rumit. Bila ada yang bertanya, "kau nak apply kerja apa?" 

I thought my life dah tamat sampai situ je. 

Well, nampaknya i salah. Dia masih berikan i peluang untuk rasa nikmat kehidupan. For 7 years, begitu lah template kehidupan i - menjadi corporate slave. Dia seakan berada dalam fasa di antara "you're comfortable in your small bubble" dan "I'm tired of doing the same things over and over again". Lagi sekali kau bertanyakan

"Bila ianya nak habis?"

Plan kehidupan i dah habis. I dah buntu untuk rancang apa lagi because starting a family has never been in my dictionary. Okay maybe i need to step up the game. Maybe it's time untuk beri orang ruang dan peluang.. 

Even though I yang decide untuk buat langkah berani ini, tapi jauh disudut hati i masih berkira-kira. Bila agaknya masa i akan tamat? Sempat kah untuk merasa "my mega plan?" 

Sebab itu, bila orang tanya soalan peribadi dan serious, i akan jawab "kehidupan i bermula bila i umur 30 nanti" sebab i rasa masa yang tinggal sampai situ sahaja. Mungkin sudah terlampau lama jasad ini diberi pinjam. Tidak pula dijaga, malah disakiti. Pulangkan lah kembali pada Si Pemilik.

Jujurnya, i tak ada idea apa yang perlu i persiapkan untuk menempuh usia baru ini. Perlukah terbit rasa gementar dan curiga? Atau dibiarkan saja rasa tenang menghampiri diri? Sebagai seorang manusia yang selama ini hidupnya berpaksi pada "plan" dan merasa hidupnya bakal tamat pada masa sekian-sekian, ianya sedikit mendebarkan. 

Satu penantian panjang yang kita tidak tahu waktu penamatnya. Serah saja pada Tuhan. Kita merancang, Dia yang tentukan. Jika i sudah rancang sebaik mungkin, dan waktu yang tersisa tidak sampai pada titik masa itu - redha.

Kita perlu ikhlas menerima segala ketentuan-Nya

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Just go with the wind

The last time I had this feeling, I ended up quitting my shitty job (a job that had no clear career path) and the next day, I was on a flight to "somewhere". 

I don't know where did I got the courage to buy the flight ticket, without a proper plan and I didn't even know where to stay! The best part is am I travelling alone? I miss the super-brave-yet-coward-little me 😟

That's the best part of growing up. When you are in the phase of no longer a kid but not yet ready to adulting. 


[The awkward life phase]


I was so naive before. When I got my first job, I was full of hope and I thought I can give my best to make a difference in the world. Joke on you, everyone had the same thinking that they can try to make a difference in the world. But look at us now. 

The truth is all these pandemic thingy and never-ending-mco is making me drowning. I'm tired of everything. I'm worn out. I'm sick of not having the power to control my life. Every day is like a constant battle - between the real us and the villain side of us. 

They said the struggle is what keeps us going. Nope, the constant struggle is thinning our hopes day by day. It's so exhausting. Do you know the feeling of wanting to take a day off, but you don't want to lay on your bed doing nothing. You want to have the freedom to go anywhere, do anything, relive. Screw MCO, we don't have the right to do so. 

I need a break, or I might do the same decision that I made in 2017. 

Tuesday, June 1, 2021

What's your Plan B if nobody marries you?

 

"What's your Plan B if nobody marries you?"


Retweeted

Typing

Deleted

Typing


After careful reflection, I finally tweeted. My thoughts are confined to 280 characters only. So I need to carefully write it - without any errors or tone that may hurt someone.

What's my Plan B? I never had Plan A, to begin with. I'm not the kind of person who always "plan" her life. Even I don't know what might happen in 2022. Am I going to finally date someone? Lol

Okay, let's assume nobody marries me (funny) what's my next plan?

Hidup macam biasa. 

Marriage is not my life end goal. It's just a part of life, isn't it? Of course, different people have different views on life. Some may put marriage as their priority, or some just go with the flow. Everybody has the right to choose, so don't judge. For me, I'll just live normally like how I spent decades without a man whom I called "husband". 

Tak ada rezeki, tak kan kita nak paksa? I need to stop clouding my mind with "what ifs" questions. Kalau kita nak fikir pasal "kalau" sampai bila-bila benda tak akan pernah habis. Bila nak senang? Bila nak berjaya? Bila orang akan appreciate kita? Bila orang akan finally pandang kita? Blablabla

Perkahwinan bukan satu kehidupan abadi. Ianya hanya satu line yg intersect dgn perjalanan kehidupan kita. Which we don't know bila intersection itu akan melencong. Sampai ke hari tua? Atau hanya beberapa tempoh?

It scares me. I'm still traumatized dgn my childhood. Untuk dengar org sekeliling I mengadu kisah pasangan mereka bercinta dgn org lain waktu isteri sarat mengandung anak pertama, benda itu semua buat I makin takut. What if? 

Ini yg paling I takutkan - bila what if mula bermain-main di fikiran.

Perkahwinan bukan satu perjudian. Kita boleh memilih, dan kita boleh membuat pilihan yg betul. Jangan disebabkan hanya dia yg datang, kita terus sepakat. Ambil masa, minta pada Dia. Yes, kita tak boleh predict apa akan berlaku, dan semuanya atas kehendakNya. Tapi kita boleh cuba, cuba untuk buat pilihan yg tepat.

Carilah pasangan yg sekufu - bukan hanya pada harta tapi pada ilmunya, bahasanya, pandangannya, keluarganya etc. Jgn percaya pada kata-kata manis "I boleh berubah" 10 tahun akan dtg pun masih tak berubah perangai kalau diri sendiri tak mahu berubah.

Pada yg belum diberi rezeki, ada nikmat lain yg Allah berikan. Jgn dibanding-bandingkan dgn mereka yg sudah berumahtangga. Jalani kisah hidup kita sendiri. 

Kehidupan bukan ada template yg kita perlu isi sahaja. Lain org lain corak. Apa-apa pun sentiasa bersyukur.

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

The Forty Rules of Love

How do I begin?

It's going to be quite a long story to tell. I wasn't much exposed to Sufism... until I found a video of Sami Yusuf the greatest Iranian Muslim singer singing Nasimi. Beautifully composed and sang by Sami Yusuf. No word could describe how wonderful the song is.

Nasimi (Imadaddin Nasimi) was a mystical poet in the late 14th century. The lyrics of the song was actually taken from the greatest poetry that he composed in Azerbaijani. It is actually inspiring to actually learn that we can read thousands or even millions of poetries in different languages - without any boundaries. We could understand the emotion beneath the words that were carefully written by the poet. The language itself unites us. We just need to look beneath the paper, the word, the ink, to understand its depth and breadth. Once we fully understood it, believe me, you'll fall in love with how romantic poetry is. 

Nasimi praised truthfulness in man and the beauty of the human heart. To speak about the essence of God hidden in us, human and everything. Go and check Sami Yusuf - Nasimi on Youtube. Put on headphone, full volume, and let the lyrics flood into your vein and your heart. Open your heart to accept the majestic and powerful performance about the essence of God. It is intensely beautiful.

Back to our main story, The Forty Rules of Love.

So what Nasimi had to do with the book? Let me explain. As I told earlier, it's going to be a long story, so bear with me. Nasimi is the leading representatives of Hurufism - a doctrine in Sufi, based on the mysticism of letters. The basic Hurufism conception is that man is the incarnation of God (that gives you the general understanding of the lyric).

It was so interesting to explore so I dig about Sufism and everything and cliche as it may sound, it linked me to Rumi. Of course, the greatest Persian poet which his works have been widely translated into many languages. I haven't got the chance to read Rumi greatest works (I'm waiting for Book Depository to mail my books). But I know we need to start somewhere so I bought The Forty Rules of Loves. Light reading about the friendship between Rumi and his dearest companion, Shams Tabrizi. 

I love how Shams moulded Rumi to understand Sufism. But I think to describe his action as "moulded" is definitely wrong because he didn't mould him. Rumi was a maulana, full of knowledge. But Shams presence more like "passing valuable knowledge" to him. He was a "sun," shining the Light of Sun as a guide for the right path in Rumi's heart. Without the sun, plants cannot process food, without the sun, humans can't see and that's how important Shams was in Rumi's life. 

I love how Elif Shafak started the story. I love what she did with the storyline, I love how she used Ella and Aziz to tell readers about Rumi and Shams Tabrizi. And I could relate to Ella's character dearly. Her curiosity about the writer made her took the chance to dig in about Aziz and to gather all the strengths to email him. A simple email led to a romantic relationship. But what I can see is it was more than than. It helped Ella to rethink her life. It made Aziz open up about his past to a stranger, to share memories - it was beautifully written. 

It's true that a single flick could change our life upside down. Like how the death of Aziz's wife led him to be a drug addict and to not believe in life anymore. But, a stranger who just passed by in his life could lead him to learn about Sufism. And with that, he gathered back his strengths and to have a different perspective on life. For Ella, Aziz's incredible journey pushed her to be a new person.

I found Aziz in my life. I always feel timid when I'm around him. He has a broad knowledge of many things. All the time, I remain silent because he's so "mighty" and I just want to let his thoughts flow smoothly without any interruption. He could talk about a particular topic for days and it makes me want to know more about him. Even a simple question of "what's your cup of tea?" could connote different answer. Just like Aziz in the fiction book, it doesn't mean we have to be in a "relationship". We just value the presence of each other and we both understand our take towards life and union or just call it marriage. 

My dear friends, if you are still searching for your soulmate take my advice: Never settle for less. Find someone who speaks your language. If he's smarter than you, be sure that you both speak the same language. If not, you'll feel inferior and even with the presence of your soulmate, you still feel incomplete. 

Find someone who views life the same as you. Someone who can appreciate your belief and thinking. And be sure to ask if he believes in the vaccine (LOL).

Love always with all my heart,

Ella