Lucu untuk difikirkan semula masa itu satu esensi yang penting. The essence of time embodied in almost everything that we do. I was wrong selama ini bila difikirkan semula lewat kisah-kisah lama yang makin pudar dari ingatan.
Remember when I said life starts at 30's? Remember when I said I wanna get married at the age of 32? Setiap patah yang kita uturkan itu, sebenarnya satu doa. Kalau term 'doa' itu terlalu kabur untuk diterima akal rasionalist yang berpegang pada perkara yang terihat and proven, mungkin boleh lihat pada segi kesannya pada aura diri.
I met a guy before waktu event networking 3 bulan lepas. He's a married guy and untuk menyambung perbualan kosong yang tiada arah tuju, dia ajukan soalan samada sudah kahwin atau belum. I said, "belum, maybe tak kot." He immediately said, "stop telling your body negative thoughts/vibes." Penyampaian dia pada mulanya I thought was for fun and tak berapa nak ambil pusing, tapi dalam santai itu sebenarnya nasihat dia boleh diterima akal. Badan kita ni ada satu aura, and aura kita ni akan spread to others in a sense other people can actually 'sense' our aura. Macam lebah, dia akan channel their idk if we call it as vibration but that's how they communicate. Same goes to our body, we actually communicating with others bukan pada dasar verbal sahaja. So, if we keep on spreading negative vibes, orang yang nak try to approach us boleh dapat rasa aura yang 'oh this girl, she's not looking for anyone special."
Selepas explaination yang sedikit panjang, dia katakan "Jgn cakap No. Start from now, cakap you nak kahwin cuma masih mencari." Well, as cliche as it may sounds, I actually jot that down in my notes. lol.
Lewat malam hari, I terfikirkan all the crush and short infatuated dulu-dulu. There's a reason why He sent them down or why we crossed each other's path walaupun untuk sedetik.
Kenapa semuanya tak pernah menjadi?
I can't believe I'm actually discussing or more on telling people the reason(s) of my failed relationships like it's a thesis. Satu je sebabnya, it wasn't a perfect timing - for both of us. But most of the time for me. Could be the guy dah 100% ready, but I wasn't ready at all. Even though how hard we tried to make it work, forcing something that wasn't meant to be itu satu kerja yang sia-sia.
I could vividly remember my past short infatuated. I thought it was something, I kept feeding my brain dengan happy ending. Who knows it was actually nothing. Tell me how to make it works if I don't let my guard down? How serious we were, tapi I tak pernah ubah mindset about life starts at the age of 30. Siapa sanggup tunggu for 5 years? Wasting a solid 5 years of channelling empty feeling towards each other sampai one of us ready? lol what a commitment.
Walau betapa I paksa sesuatu untuk menjadi, at last dia pilih orang lain juga. What he did to me might be wrong but actually, he made the right decision. After going through a tough period in searching the meaning of life/self-enriching, I found a closure that I was seeking all these while. I actually didn't need closure from him. The most needed closure is actually from me. Selama ni I tak sedar yg closure tu I sendiri yang kena letakkan. Nobody owes me a closure.
I was wrong
I was wrong about almost everything. I was wrong to depend on human. I was wrong to put 100% on someone and hoping that they will do the same thing. I was wrong to be naive. I was wrong to think that perasaan seorang itu akan senantiasa tetap. I was wrong to actually believe in all those empty promises. Semua benda ni buatkan the period of move on lagi perit. Sebab bila you salahkan orang lain, selamanya you akan rasa kusut.
The shitty period either make you stronger or weaker. Depends on how you deal with the situation. There must be a reason why we crossed each other's path.
Now, I baru nampak semuanya secara jelas. But it requires you to be sincere in forgiving people. Learn to forgive yourself first then baru you boleh maafkan orang lain tanpa mengharapkan sebarang benda in return. Who knows, the guy who I used to share a mutual feeling together 7-8 years ago boleh terjumpa balik. Bayangkan selama ni, we both share the same circle tapi tak pernah nak berjumpa. There must be a reason, right. After I let go everything, we crossed each other's path again and we both in a good term. The key here is to forgive everyone. Bukan secara lisan je, perkataan maaf tu perlu dtg ikhlas dari hati.
Terima kasih pada susuk-susuk tubuh yang pernah menyinggah dan berkongsi rasa dan jiwa walau untuk seketika. Semoga segala rasa yang pernah kita kongsikan itu ikhlas tanpa minta dipulangkan.
